I like to go off and be on my own, I almost like to be sought after; pursued. Just like I pursue a relationship with Christ, I like being sought after; intentionally. Not to say that I don't like social gatherings, because I do. People often perceive me as a social butterfly. Although if you really knew me, you'd know that I'm longing to be in a quiet room pursuing my maker. I can't wait to be alone in my room at home, with an empty house, just gazing at the ceiling and marvelling at the beauty of my maker. But this... this is a precious experience. As I gaze into the future of one day wanting to be married and having kids, I'm sacrificing a big deal of myself of wanting to be alone. Having and maintaining a family is not for the faint of heart. And I do not want to be faint of heart. I want it all. The glory of God to shine through my marriage and family. I don't wanna be family-focused but I want to be Christ-centred. I guess where I'm going with this is is that it's a precious opportunity and a time to experience this and learn more about myself. I've learned more about myself in the past 3 weeks than I have in the past 3 years. God is stretching, shaping and moulding me in ways that I didn't know possible. Some lessons are just being refreshed; things that I have already gone through and experienced but God is refreshing my memory. And some things, which is for the most part is a lot, I'm learning for the first time. It helps me put things into perspective and really appreciate the bigger picture God has for my life; a beautiful canvas painting splashing with colours in the most amazing, artistic, abstract way possible (to the human eye at least). I have capacity in me to learn, change and adjust in ways I didn't know possible. Excuse my repetition of expressions, words or phrases. But it's truly marvelling and eye-opening to see the creator of the universe create something new in me; the birthing of a new beginning and an exciting adventure. I guess I always knew I could rely on God and see his hands and miracles in my life. But like most believers I doubted. It's like when God is my only chance and hope, which is how it should always be, I truly grasp and accept his divine work in my life. I might not be crafty with words or a professional blogger, but this is the outpour of my heart at 1am in 32 degress+ (that's in Celsius for all my American readers) when I can't sleep and thoughts are swarming through my mind and I just have to write it down before my mind explodes. Maybe I'll finally be able to sleep.
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10 ESV).
It's beyond my ability to describe in words the work of the Holy Spirit and the gentleness of his work and reminders in my life, it's beyond humbling. I might not be physically strong to partake in all the projects, or emotionally equipped to deal with all the changes happening, but I am spiritually confident of God's unending grace over my life. His outpour of love, righteousness, hope and grace is what keeps me going. Thank God I don't rely on my physical or emotional strength because they fail me on a daily basis, but it's in the sweet brokenness that I find strength to face my day and continually carry my cross and follow in the footsteps of my saviour.
I am not writing this for applause, sympathy, or acknowledgement, but of pure recognition of what God is doing in my life. I love living my life for him, I love serving him, I love just being in his presence. And I pray that everyone reading this may feel that peace and comfort of knowing that God has it all. He is in control. He is near. And longs to pursue us and love us. He doesn't gain anything when we love him back, because he is love, it does not depend on us. But we will not be who we are/I will not be who I am today if I/we didn't love him and wanted to always pursue a relationship with my/our saviour, redeemer, lover, provider and creator.
Ughhh I can't sleep, and it's because I wanna write down everything before I sleep, dream away and forget my precious, disorganized thoughts. Here's some of the things God has been working and shaping in my life (and maybe later, I can elaborate, perhaps by personal interactions or other blogs posts):
-my ability to accept change: sleeping arrangements, weather, culture, way of doing things, way of listening to the Holy Spirit, sharing, authority, temptations.
-my ability to rely on God: healing, providing, caring for me and understanding me.
-ability to serve with others outside of my bubble. I've always been bubbled in. Serving with my church and people I know. But to serve with people I don't know, with such varying perspectives and personality is definitely outside of my bubble. Guess that's the reason I never get involved in anything outside of my my comfort zone. I've bubbled myself in. And to pop this bubble is amazing. I never wanna miss out on what God has for me because I chose to bubble myself in! It scares me that I might miss out on something from God because I was too scared. This trip is teaching me there are no limits.
-learning to love and see through God's eyes. Whether that includes the people I'm serving or the people I'm serving with.
-learning to be thankful in all situations (no matter the circumstances - that's a big one!)
-learning to trust God and letting go in the small and the big. He cares so much about every detail it's amazingly scary...and wonderfully humbling.
-to know that he wants to truly give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4) if we seek it in the intention of expanding his kingdom and glorifying his name.
I could go on forever, might turn into a short story more than a blog post lol. But I would love that if you have any questions or comments to approach me personally and I would love to chat up a storm or quiet one down. That's what Emmaus is for: to expand God's kingdom whether through actions of service, word of mouth or simply praying and embodying the presence of the Holy Spirit.
God is good all the time.
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